I am sorry
That you were consumed by your demons before I ever got to know you.
I am sorry
That you experienced discrimination and felt compelled to erase the Chinese in you.
That interracial marriage at that time was either a freak show or flat unaccepted.
I am sorry
That you grew up poor in your sense of love, lovability and worth.
That your monetary poverty, as well, was so defining for you; setting a fire of ambition in you that ended up burning you to ashes.
I am sorry
That the world reinforced that your sense of worth and satisfaction could be earned through education at prestigious schools; or by holding distinguished titles, having a beautiful wife, wielding power and money.
I am sorry
That being self-made never helped to acquaint you with Self. That your mistrust kept you from feeling true intimacy, the feelings of love and connection that we all crave and that are required for healing.
Thank you
For ultimately showing me that ambition and achievement don’t lead to lasting satisfaction.
That I am to learn our worth as inherent and my energy is better spent reconnecting with Source than it is, fitting into an ideal version of me.
Thank you
For the life I believe you intended to create for yourself and perhaps even for us.
Thank you
For demonstrating that buffering makes you better at avoiding your life; alienating yourself and others.
For showing me that substance abuse, obsessive/compulsive thoughts/behaviors, only dig the hole deeper... ultimately separating us from Whole.
Thank you
For your insidious and covert abuse. Consequently bringing connection, compassion, clarity and empowerment to the forefront of my life’s lessons.
I love you.
As a few years back, you were finally retired from your perpetual battles with addiction and not enoughness. You lost the separateness of form... returning again to the ocean.
I love the place in you that is the only real thing there ever was, is and will be. Buried or not. Love. Home. The expanse of One. Where we know connection as the very substance of us. Eternal Loving Presence.
Rest in peace.
*I first heard the phrasing "I am sorry, thank you, I love you," in a Tara Brach podcast. Later from a Thai Massage instructor and practitioner, Sylvain Broucke.