This revealing is inspired by Anne Lamott's quote: “Never compare your insides to everyone else's outsides.”
The Good, The Bad & The Human
I can definitely be a picker of cherries, seeing only the finest of attributes in the women around me, without zooming out to see the whole, or allowing for context (inadvertently dehumanizing myself and them… yugh): How fun she is, what a great parent she is, how steadfast and supportive she is, how effortlessly beautiful she is; her crafty and thoughtful gifts, her creativity in responsiveness, her confidence and trust in ‘her own intuition', how in touch she is with sexuality and sensuality, how empowered she is as a leader or an earner, how put together she is even with all of those kids—even with small children, lack of sleep, caring for parents, living with an abusive partner, not having parents or an extended family—even with all of the external demands; how free she can be—light and happy, with a fantastic and witty sense of humor. It is a disservice to assume isolation in feeling that we somehow don’t measure up, or in feeling a discrepancy between how we appear and how we experience ourselves. So, I am sharing a fuller picture of who I am because my 'Faith'/Knowing rests in the universal qualities of the human experience: In the fact that we all have it all, "The ‘good’, the ‘bad’ and the 'ugly'," and we all feel or have felt that we are somehow not enough. And since we all experience it, none of us are alone.
Though I am 40 this year, my hair loss began prematurely, in my early 30s, in response to events that I experienced as re-traumatizing. I was caught in panic ‘round the clock’ for a period of 2 years.
Below is a visual contrast between a dressed-up appearance and the unmasked. Vanity is a significant hook for me; an area of fixation, clinging, control-seeking and scapegoating (E.g. I am actually anxious about something else and blame it on some appearance-related discontent).
Below is an acne selfie which I sent to a Beloved just to show her the raw of me. To suggest that I trust her love and that I love her too, exactly as she is.
Another funny vanity story illustrating the hypocrisy of being human:
I was sharing with a Beloved (who is also one of my teachers) that I had been sitting [meditating] a lot that week and moving into deep levels of contentment and quiet… to the extent that I did not care to leave stillness. I wanted to stay seated with it forever... disappear into the ether. Maybe that’s possible. Who am I to say?
In that very same week, my 20 year high school reunion was coming up and I for damn sure got Botox for those tension headache producing, forsaken, furrowing brows. WTH… is it spiritual Megan or is it vain and earthly Megan. It is BOTH. I am BOTH.
Just before our 20 year reunion :)
It is my hope that this sharing encourages peace in us all. Invites a little more acceptance of or softness around our own fumbling and hypocrisies. The many aspects that make us human and allow us to learn, grow and evolve.
Thank you for reading, SweetOnes.
The social media post:
SCROLL to the next image if the video bores you for a POST-UGLY-CRY selfie.
Explanation of crying, in case it helps anyone feel less alone: In addition to all of the tension that has been mounting within, I lost it on my boy that afternoon. I was putting significant effort (that I didn’t feel I had the stamina for to begin with) toward helping him with distance learning and he was lying on the ground hemming and hawing… complaining. In an instant, my frustration spiked into rage and I screamed, “GET OUT! JUST GET OUT!” It’s not even really what I said, which wasn’t all that nice, no… it was really my frightening expression of rage—the ways in which it came through in my voice, my movements, my eyes and my energy, that was disturbing and hurtful. In a flash, I had abandoned emotional adulthood and put someone else in charge of my feelings so I could blame him for my discontent. Then maybe things as they are would momentarily make sense. Cause and effect. You upset me and that is why I am upset… forget about all of the real reasons, the undercurrents and the ambiguity. And this boy, at whom I had thrown the weight of blame, is my most beloved.
This post is about the experience of BOTH - AND
The potential for Grace and Flow AND the Ugly Cries, Missing Hair and Acne
Most of my pics are on the blog site… Simply because, let’s face it, who wants to post UGLY on social media sites? Lol (Yoga sequence built on a Budokon Primary Series, mashed up with Shiva Rea, Duncan
Wong and subtle/refining actions learned with Luke Collins)